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N Review Delgo

[Rainbow Dash, Pepper Clark, Skips, Robot Default, Marceline, Eddy, Dipper and Mabel Pines, Frylock, Dan, Johnny C., and Kahuna all wake up in a derelict movie theater.]

Rainbow Dash: [Waking up] Where are we?

Pepper: One minute I was getting the mail, the next I wake up next to Eddy.

[Eddy is still asleep. He then wakes up]

Eddy: [Wakes up and looks over his surroundings] Where are we?

Robot: This looks like something out of a SAW movie.

Frylock: Hey, whoever did this, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Johnny: This place looks like my basement.

Rainbow Dash: Dan, come out. I know your behind this.

[Dan rises out of his seat]

Dan: Hey Dash, I had nothing to do this.

Skips: This place looks like the abandoned theater in Mount Pleasant.

Mabel: Is there at least a snack bar?

Skips: Snack bar? This place has been closed for five years.

Marcaline: It at least has lighting.

[Dipper looks around and notices several green Ns.]

Dipper: I think I know who's behind this.

[N wakes up and rises from his seat.]

N: What the fuck happened?

[N turns around and sees everyone staring back at him. He looks at the walls and notices the green Ns.]

N: Guys, I had nothing to do with this. I swear god.

Voice: Of course your not Letter. I just gathered you and several other extreme personalities for my amusement.

Frylock: Amusement?

Voice: Yes, you see, I tried so hard to watch this one film, but I couldn't find myself to do so. There are many critics in this world but you just happened to be the one who resides closest to me.

Marceline: So why did you need to kidnap us? Ns the movie critic.

Voice: As I said, you are all extreme personalities and this isn't any average film, this is a film that requires more then one person in order to review. Rainbow Dash for your stubborn and brass nature, Frylock for your mysticism, Skips with your... well, same as Frylock, the Pine siblings with their association with the supernatural, Dan for your vengeaful nature, Johnny C for your mysterious nature, Pepper Clark for your comedic sense, Eddy for your greedy yet cunning ways, and Kahuna because he looks like Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski.

Kahuna: Really? Thats why I get kidnapped and forced to review a movie? To think the pot I could be smoking right now.

N: Okay, okay we get it. If we review this movie, will you let us go?

Voice: [Chuckles evily] Yes.

N: Fine, what shit film do you have for me and my colleagues that's so bad we need to be in a group to review it?

Voice: Delgo.

Robot: Delgo?

[Robot has a flashback where he was forced to watch Delgo in a movie theater with Monster.]

Robot: [In flashback watching the movie] So cliches. It hurts. [His eyes start bleeding]

Robot: [Present day] No, no, no. Please, I'm begging you. Torture me, scalp me, burn my skin, just don't make me watch it again.

Voice: I do not care for your cries of mercy, Steve, commence the film.

Frylock: Steve? Why does that name ring a bell?

[The film begins]

Hello I am N, and behind me are my friends from Clare who are being held hostage and are being forced to review a shitty film. This isn't just any shitty film though. This film is Delgo, a 2008 film that is infamous not just for being the lowest grossing film ever before 2012 when Oogieloves took the title, but for also ripping off every high fantasy cliche up to the point where it seemed more like Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer parody of a children's fantasy film then an actual film.  

[Everyone gasps]

That's right, its that cliched. So before we start off this movie, I would like to point out two lines that I will reference at the end of the movie.

The film sets itself apart from other recent computer-animated films because it is not a comedy and also because it is "a very human story told in a non-human world. The inspiration for the story really came from all of unrest we have in society today, prejudice, discrimination, hate crimes, violence - all of those terrible things. We wanted to tell a story where our heroes overcame these things personally and facilitated change among entire peoples.

-Marc F. Adler

Chief Animator and Artistic Director Derek Winslow went on record in the January 2001 issue of US weekly stating that "Delgo would be his finest creation" and "would outperform Shrek at the box office".


N: Okay, considering I always start these things off first, I figure its fair someone else hold the torch. Who wants to be first?

Rainbow Dash: I guess I'll be the first.

Review by Rainbow Dash

So the story begins in the land of Jhamora where we see these tunips with legs walking around. We then cut to these bald people who have had lizard colors painted on them called the Lokni. The narrator tells us that these winged people called the Nohrin [Get it? Because they are from the north. Very cleaver writers, very cleaver] have lost their resources to some off camera catastrophe, the king sends his people to settle in Jhamora while being lead by Sedessa, the king's younger sister. The king and his queen refuse to move until the last of his people have settled in the land. Being a anti imperialism story, Sedessa demands more land from the Lokni because.......... she's on her period and has nothing better to do? I don't know, they never explain.

She just invades their lands because they refuse to give more and thus the Lokni and Nohrin go to war. Sedassa as a result of causing the war is stripped of her affiliation in the royal family and thus assassinates the queen but is caught by the king. She had her wings clipped off and is sent to Middle Earth. [Yeah, I know its something else but these creatures that live in the land are so much like the orcs I'm just going to call it Middle Earth.]

Skips Review

We then cut to 15 years later because I'm certain nothing exciting happened at that time when we see Sedessa has now become the empress to these orc people. After having apparently gathered her army up through uniting the tribes of the orc people, she kills off the leaders and prepares for her invasion of Jhamora. You know, most works of cinema would make this into some big twist or build up to the reveal of our villain, this just shows you the villain and her exposition as to what she will do.

Dan review

We then see our main protagonist, Delgo and Filo. Know what I just realized? Replace the E in Delgo with an I and the g with a D and what does that spell? Anyways so Delgo is your typical farm boy hero who just wants to live life and Filo, well, he's annoying as hell. He's so annoying that Jar Jar Binks, Scrappy Doo, and Snails from Dungeons and Dragons would shoot themselves in the balls at the very mention of this character's name.

Delgo goes to show off his abilities to ride these lizard cow things and then gets flinged off a cliff. There we see Filo shoot out more shit spewed dialogue before setting a tree on fire with a flare. th Nohrin Princess Kyla flies by and sees the fire. Wait, a princess in a kid movie. Is she the kind of princess who's rebellious, bold, and naive but still has a good heart or is she the Snow White princess who does absolutely nothing?

Scanner: Rebellious

Kahuna Review
Kyla saves Delgo just as Filo comes and acts even more annoying. You know, if I had my bong with me right now maybe I could stomach this character. Just then they are attacked by two guards of the Nohrin named General Bogardus voiced by Val Kilmer and General Rius voiced by Malcolm Mcdowell. They then take the princess back to her father as Lokni help arrive. We then see her father the king talking to her about how she just doesn't understand, she's too young and too naive, pretty much any speech an overprotective single father in every kid movie has ever given their adventurous child.

Kahuna: There, I did my part of the review. Can I please have some weed or something to keep me mellow while I'm being kept in an abandoned movie theater?

Voice: You will receive gum, that is after the movie. [Laughs evily]

Kahuna: Oh come on!

Eddy: So we see more of the bald lizard people as Delgo goes about his training. His mentor guy tells him how to makes magical rocks fly through picket fences but Delgo just doesn't get it. We then hear more big speeches from the guy about why the stones are important and about his master and really do you care? We then cut to a Lokni mob rioting at a Nohrin city which evokes the king to increase the people guarding the borders. Did this plot point serve any purpose? Of course not.

Pepper review

We then cut to Kyla searching for her mother's brooch when Delgo saves her from a tiny cow lizard frog and he arranges a search/date with her that night. We then see Rias is in cahoots with Sedessa [were they intending for this to be a twist when they reveal it very early in the movie?] Rias and Sedessa then plan to have Kyla kidnapped. Bogardus meanwhile is tricked into betting weapons to pain off his gambling debt by Rias and is thus stripped of his rank and imprisoned. Rias then destroys the Lokni sanctuary with a single spear. That morning, Delgo bitches about how they have to do something and how Nohrin are evil even though he is in love with one.

That night, Delgo and Kyla go to this magical rock mine [good place for a first date] where Delgo performs a coin behind the ear trick of Kyla [wow, even for a comedian of my caliber that's pretty weak] and then after sharing a total of 15 sentences with each other they try to kiss, only to be interrupted by the frog lizard cow. Kyla then mentions that she wants both her and Delgo's race should make peace but Delgo says that it would never happen and then after only just knowing each other for two days, Kyla and Delgo break up.

Marceline review

So after that extremely rushed moment, Kyla flies home crying when Ryias shoots her from behind with a sleeping dart. The king is worried about his daughter being gone and Rias lies to him by telling him that Delgo was the one who took him. How does he know Delgo even though he never even heard his name before?

[Marcaline drinks the red from a cherry that was being kept in one of the cup holders]

Marceline: Beats me.

N review

So Delgo has a dream about when his parents [his father is voiced by Burt Reynolds, just thought I'd mention that] died and one of the Nohrin invaders spared him before Nohrin guards break into his house and take him to the prison. Filo is also there to greet us with more of his annoyance. Listening to this guy talk is the equivalent of having a nail nailed into your ear with a jackhammer. The king then has his men beat them for information on his daughter and unfortunately they don't show the beatings. Sad, I would have loved to see Filo get beaten severely.

Kyla meanwhile wakes up inside a cell at Sedessa's fortress and is presented to Sedessa herself [voiced by Ann Bancroft, the film was her final before her death in 2005. The film is in fact dedicated to her.] by one of her croonies played by Eric I'm too good for this movie Idle. Eventually Delgo and Filo plan a breakout with Bogardus and as expected Filo never shuts up! I wish Jar Jar Binks would just appear to add some humanity to this humor. They eventually escape the cell and go to an underground cavern just as The King gives the Lokni an ultimatum to give back his daughter or die. Since they don't have his daughter, they declare that they will go to war in a pretty cool scene where the Lokni council vote for war.

We also see Delgo, Filo, and Bogardus battle a large crab monster in another cool scene.

Robot: No, no I am not going to review this fucker. Me and Monster saw it once in theater, I already had to sit through it once so I will not...........

[The chair Robot is sitting in electricutes him.]

Voice: That is what will happen if you refuse to review this film.

Robot: Fine.

Robot Review

So they get up to the surface in front of this fortress and as Bogardus beats up several guards to ride one of the razor rings, Filo says more nauseating dialogue and then they fly to the villain's fortress. Inside, they see Action Princess [I know she has a name but fuck it, I'm calling her Action Princess because that's her character in general] is about to get her winged chopped off the same way Sedessa's was, and thus Delgo goes to stop it. He has Bogardus cover the exit while Filo creates a distraction [another term for being immensely annoying] and Delgo is found out and rescues Generic Action Princess from her chains while Sedessa's orc army who apparently have the aim of storm troopers all throw their spears at them and yet they cannot hit these two unmoving characters and thus they escape while Bogardus fights and defeats Sedessa's crazy scientist. The final battle between the Lokni and Nohrin takes place in this desert area. Funny, the Nohrin can fly and yet they can't figure out to fly over the Lokni's energy blasts.

Sedessa's army is heading torwards the battlefield on these rejected Spore creations when Delgo hitches a ride on one of the carriers and is reunited with Generic Action Girl on her razor wing. First he falls on his nuts while jumping on the razor wing, guess we haven't really dappled in the low brow humor yet.

Robot: There, I feel dirty but I did your review. Can I leave now?

Voice: But the film isn't over.

Robot: Figures.

Johnny C. review

So the king gets held prisoner by Rias right ad Bogardus enters the campgrounds and sets out to free the king. He knocks out Rias's henchmen with the hilt of his knifes [this is a PG movies but still I think it could have been saved if they showed a little blood violence once and a while] and Bogardus and Rias fight. Rias has a sword towards Bogardus's throat and he is about to kill him before Bogardus distracts him by throwing a small metal razor wing figure into the sky [God I can't believe I just said that] and stabs Rias in the stomach while saying schools out. [Classy] Just when it seemed as if everything would go well for Bogardus, we have to have him die for no reason. When Delgo and company arrive to the campgrounds to find the king, Delgo is almost shot in the back by an Orc arrow before Borgardus pushed him out of the way, thus he got shot in the back.

It makes you question why they even wear armor when it cannot protect against a simple arrow, and Delgo has a memory about Bogardus being the Nohrin soldier that spared his life before Bogardus dies. Sedessa's army arrives on the battlefield and proceeds to slaughter the bald lizardmen while Delgo has a short tantrum about Sedessa winning. He breaks out of his rage when Kyla tells him about Sedessa only wins if they let her and how they should unite their people to fight her and in case your annoyed by this very unsubtle peace message your not alone. So Delgo goes to the castle to save the king [don't ask how he knew thats where she was keeping him] Kyla commands her father's armies to attack the Orcs and save the Lokni [yes, the commander of the king's army is okay with a princess giving him orders] and Filo acts annoying to get this razor wing to fly over a gathering of lizard cow frog cattle.

This sends the lizard frogs on a stampede straight towards the remainder of Sedessa's orcs. Sedessa meanwhile is intimidating the king while her guard his stands over him. [Why she doesn't just kill him right there is beyond me] Delgo arrives and battles the guard. Delgo gets knocked into several crates but uses a magical rock to blind the guard which makes it swing it's hammer into a support beam which causes the castle to fall. Sedessa falls into a pit just as Kyla arrives and Delgo lets her fall and they live happily ever after. No, that would make for a better ending but instead Delgo saves her despite being the very woman that lead the raid on the village that killed his parents.

Sedessa thanks Delgo by attacking him from behind and stabbing Kyla in the chest. Yeah, aren't you glad you didn't let her fall Delgo? I'm just so happy your the title hero of the epic story that isn't at all a massive Lord of The Rings ripoff.

Dipper: Ready?

Mabel: Last one.

Dipper review

It turns out however that Sedessa stabbed Kyla's brooch which she conveniently found off screen. The floor around Sedessa crumbles thus she falls to her death. The castle is destroyed, the king is rescued, and no body else got hurt.

Mabel review

So peace is restored to both races, Delgo and Kyla are now boyfriend and girlfriend, but it turns out Rias is alive.

Dipper: Wait, what? He got stabbed in the stomach. How can he still be alive.

N: Because we need Filo to have a heroic moment.

Back to Mabel's review

Rias throws his spear at Delgo and Kyla and they are almost hit when Filo shoots the spear with a slingshot. I don't know how a small rock could deflect a large metal spear but I'll go with it. Then Delgo and Kyla kiss and they all live happily ever after.

N Overview

Man is this movie bad. Its not really as bad as much as it is tropified though. Its like these directors just took these cliches from better fantasy/sci fi movies and put them all into this uninventive Lord of The Rings knockoff. We don't get to learn much about the characters thus making them one dimensional by being a annoying twit or a character already seen in another fantasy story, the animation for early 2000 is impressive but this was released in the year 2008. I know that this movie took several years to make but it still doesn't excuse anything. It's worse sin is wasting great talent like Mcdowell, Freddy Prince Jr., and Val Kilmer. On a positive note, at least the backgrounds are impressive. Did we mention Filo and how insultingly unfunny he is?

I also want to focus on the quotes left by two of the people behind this film.

The film sets itself apart from other recent computer-animated films because it is not a comedy and also because it is "a very human story told in a non-human world. The inspiration for the story really came from all of unrest we have in society today, prejudice, discrimination, hate crimes, violence - all of those terrible things. We wanted to tell a story where our heroes overcame these things personally and facilitated change among entire peoples.

Okay, first off if its a none human world why did you pick humanoid figures and painted over them? Second, Delgo is the only one who overcomes his predujice, we don't get time to learn about the other characters so we don't really know about whether or not they got over it or even if they had predujice.

Chief Animator and Artistic Director Derek Winslow went on record in the January 2001 issue of US weekly stating that "Delgo would be his finest creation" and "would outperform Shrek at the box office".

Outperform Shrek huh? Shrek grossed $484,409,218 at the box office, Delgo only grossed $915,840. This film was at one point the lowest grossing film ever made before Oogieloves came along. Good call Winslow, good call.

Overall Delgo gets a 2/10

N: There, we reviewed your movie, can we go now?

Voice: Fine, [The backstage door opens up] enter my domain and know the truth.

Robot: Um, no thanks. I just want to go and..........

Voice: No, you must enter my domain.

Rainbow Dash: Fine. But if I miss Madlock I am so going to fuck you up.

[Everyone gets up from their seats and walk onto the stage. They then walk into the backstage. They are shocked to see that Dr. Weird from ATHF waiting for them.]

Dr. Weird: Hello Frylock, long time no see.

Frylock: Dr. Weird, I should have known.

Steve: Excuse me Dr. Weird, but it appears that the people you have held hostage have found you.

Dr. Weird: I'm well aware of that STEVE.

N: So Weird, can we leave or what?

Dr. Weird: You can, under the condition that you beat me in a game of Monopoly.

[Everyone sighs]

Johnny: That's it. [Grabs a nearby coffee mug and breaks it into a sharp point] Your going to suffer for all the pain you have inflicted upon me tonight.

Rainbow Dash: [Gets out a baseball bat from a nearby crate] Let me help you.

Frylock: I'm defiantly gonna enjoy this.

Dr. Weird: I have cookies. [Presents a plate of cookies]

[Dash, Frylock, and Johnny approach him]

Dr. Weird: I'll let you play as the car. Wait, I want to play as the car. Okay, I'll let you play as the shoe.

[Everyone else in the group are eating the cookies while Frylock, Dash, and Johnny beat and maim Weird off screen]

Dr. Weird: Oh god that hurt. Hey, watch where you swing that thing you crazy bitch.

Mabel: [Eating a cookie] You know, the only thing funner then reviewing a bad movie a reviewing a bad movie with your friends.

Robot: [Eating a cookie] Amen to that.

[Blood is seen squirting]

Dr. Weird: Go ahead, I didn't need that. No wait I need that.

[Dr. Weird screams in pain]

I know I originally said it would be Home on The Range but lets be honest people everyone has reviewed home on the range. I wanted to take my own approach and review a film not a lot of people review known as Delgo. To celebrate having over 200 watchers, I made this one specifically for my fans. Enjoy watchers

Mabel and Dipper Pines (c) Disney Channel

Rainbow Dash (c) The Hub

Skips (c) Cartoon Network

Johnny C. (c) Jhohen Vasquez

Pepper Clark (c) Hub

Marceline (c) Cartoon Network

Eddy: (c) Cartoon Network

Robot Default (c) Nickelodeon

Kahuna (c) Teletoon

Dan (c) Dan vs.

Frylock, Dr. Weird, and Steve (c) Adult Swim
Add a Comment:
Kermitthefrog223456 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2015
That was an interesting review...but just for the record, the Lochni elder said that he couldn't let any more of the Nohrin move in...that's why King Zahn wanted to negotiate with them...unfortunately, Sedessa's idea of expanding territory was to wipe out the Lochni instead.
013155 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Robots review was funny as heck XD LOL poor him....
Frankierox1996 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
Even as a kid I could tell this movie was going to be stupid. And why is Skips in here I thought you hated Regular Show?
Nbbren Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Because I still like him and Skips and also I don't hate it, I just think it is overrated.
Frankierox1996 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
Oh, by the way I thought this movie was going to be stupid when I first saw the trailer for it in 6th grade.
Nbbren Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
As did I my friend, as did I
Wtcoolgirl Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Dippy and Mabel's reviews were so short D:<
DarthWill3 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm for Dashie's review!
Add a Comment:

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